Does That Mean Anything??

I have tattoos....quite a few of them actually (much to my mother's dismay!)...and I'm often asked if they "mean anything". I often want to respond with "Yes, fool. They mean something. That's why I put it on my body!" but that would be rude and my mother taught me better :) So, I often give the Cliff's Notes version of what the meaning is behind the tattoo that the person is asking me about.

Today, I thought I would share with you the meaning behind two of the tattoos I get asked about most often and explain what the tattoos and the story behind them have to do with my current prep.

Tom designed this tattoo for the two of us. I have it on my left forearm and he has it on his left tricep. The design is a cross made with two of the letter "J". One "J" is larger than the other and represents our eldest child, The Princess and the smaller "J" represents the baby of our family, Junior. It is one of my favorite tattoos and I love that my hubby designed it for us and our babies :)

I designed this tattoo about 4 years ago and it was one of the hardest for me to design. Tom and I had a son, Junior, almost 5 years ago. I went into premature labor at 25 weeks and our son Junior was born on Sept. 19, 2006. I always say that his fighting weight was 1 pound, 7.8 ounces because he fought like a champion but ultimately he passed away two days later on Sept. 21, 2006. The tattoo consists of the actual footprints that were taken when he was born in the middle of a pair of angel wings. He was named after his father so I made sure to put his name underneath his prints. I struggled with the design for many weeks because I wanted to honor my angel but I didn't want it to be cheesy or depressing. In the end, I came up with the perfect design and the process of putting it on my back was a major step for me in the grieving process. Keith, the tattoo artist, who did the piece for me was incredible and told me he was honored that I let him share in the creation of this memorial.

So, that brings us to today. September is one of the most difficult months I face each year. Yes, I know that it has been almost 5 years since the loss of my child but it is a pain that has dulled but not vanished over time. I think about what my son would be like had he lived. I think about what type of big sister The Princess would have been. I think about the father & son relationship that Tom never got to experience. I think...I think...I think....and I cry. I cry for my son often but this month, the month of September, there are a larger number of tears that are shed.

It is like a cloud of darkness envelops me and I feel like I can barely function beyond doing what is necessary. That is why my prep is falling apart....my brain, heart, and body feel like it's more than I can manage to do what prep requires. My brain doesn't comprehend trying to fine-tune my body into a machine when my heart feels like this same body failed me 5 years ago.

I am struggling but I consider myself a fighter. I'm still in the ring and I may look like Oscar De La Hoya did after taking on Floyd Mayweather Jr, but I'm still fighting.

Tears, loss, heartache....it's part of my journey...part of the path I must take....but I'm putting one foot in front of the other and that, folks, is all that matters.