Final Decision....

Things have been a bit crazy (to put it simply) since my last show in July. Cliff Note's version  - I lost my coach (what is it with me & coaches this year!?!!?). I ate too much. Work became chaotic. My stress levels were ridiculously high and so I ate more. I may have even drank...a lot....! I hired a new coach. I picked a show date. I started prep. My body was not really feelin' it.

You might be asking what I mean by "not really feelin' it". Well when I received my diet from my coach and started following it, I promptly saw a double digit increase in my weight. I may have screamed "are you f@$king kidding me?" the first time I stepped on the scale & saw the new number and gotten teary. Pictures were sent to coach followed by a telephone call. The decision was made to make a few specific food item substitutions and see how my body responded. If my body didn't drop any weight, we would stop prepping for the show and start focusing on my off-season.

Can you guess what happened?

Coach pressed the stop button.

When we came to the final decision that I wouldn't compete, I did my best to be positive about it. I told myself that I had been dieting all year....that I had a winning season....that I needed time off to grow & make changes....and while all of that sounded great, it still didn't take away the feeling I had that I had failed. That for the first time since I started competing, I was unable to finish a prep and step on stage. I had started something that I couldn't finish.

It's been a few weeks since I've officially been in "off-season" or as I like to call it "Operation Physique Overhaul" and I'm adjusting. I'm learning to enjoy the flexibility that I now have with my meals. I'm learning how to acknowledge that the work & effort I put in right now while directly affect what happens next season. I'm learning how to give the power & decision making over to someone else. And thanks to recent #jesussmacks (or truth texts from certain friends) - I'm learning to stop comparing myself to others and focus on myself & my journey. I'm also learning that it's okay to acknowledge that I have the potential to be successful & do some really awesome things in this sport.

Some days are better than others but it's a process, a lesson, a marathon....I just have to keep moving forward...

Show or no show...still taking ridiculous flexing selfies ;)