I could go into a long detailed explanation about why it's been almost a year since the last time I posted but I'm not going to do that. Let's just say, life happened and I pushed blogging to the bottom of my priority list. But I've missed it and I've missed you, my readers, and so I am vowing to make a conscious effort to blog more frequently.
So what's happening competition-wise? Well, my initial plan was to step on stage in July at Team Universe and win my pro card. If I was unable to win my card at Team Universe, I planned to hit the Masters Nationals stage two weeks later and win it there. These two shows were my finish line. Every workout, every meal, every thing I did during the off-season was for these two shows. I was determined to do the work so that when the time came, I would be victorious.
Prep started and things were moving along, slowly, but they were moving. Then there was a shift. Shit started happening. I couldn't control everything like I had previously been able to. I wasn't sleeping well. I was stressed. I was emotional. I was dealing with so many things all at once and guess what? I started to crack. Small cracks at first but they were there.
I checked in with my coach when scheduled and my thoughts gradually changed from being confident about being ready for Team U to concerned thoughts of having a physique that would be competitive for the national stage. I shared these thoughts with my two best friends and no one else. I strongly believe in the power of "speaking on it" so I was worried that if I kept saying that I wouldn't be ready, then that is what would happen.
Last Saturday marked 4 weeks out from Team Universe and I sent my progress pictures into the Boss Lady. However, this check in was different. I included a video message to her in which I said I didn't want to do Team U or Masters Nationals. I was open and honest about my feelings and my fears. I didn't sugar coat anything which I realized I had been doing in most of my check ins. Since she was out of town with clients that were competing, we agreed to talk when she returned home.
We talked last Monday and agreed that I am not ready to compete at the national level next month. The Boss Lady told me to focus on the other aspects of my life, do what I needed to make training fun again, and to keep in mind that the stage will always be there whether it's in a few months or next year.
It was after that conversation that I decided I would not be competing in 2016. My heart and mind were just not in it. I just couldn't give prep & competing the attention and dedication it required. There would be no bedazzled suits or 5 inch clear heels for me this year. There would be no pro card. It broke my heart but I also felt extremely relieved, like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.
I took all of last week off from the gym. I didn't lift or do cardio. I happily drove past my gym without stopping and didn't feel one ounce of guilt about it.
Today was my first day back to the gym and during my workout I heard something that made me stop, put down the dumbbell that was in my hand, sit, and cry.
"You've gotten this far.
If you were going to quit,
you shoulda quit a long time ago.
You've come too far to quit now.
Show me that nothing is impossible."
I texted my best friend Lo and sent her what I had heard. Her response was "That's true...u didn't come this far to quit...it's not what we do. So what r u going to do about it?"
I don't know exactly what I'm going to do but I do know this, I'm not hanging up my clear heels just yet. It doesn't feel right.
Nothing is impossible so I will figure this shit out and make something happen.
I hope you'll join me for the ride.